Dear Mom, I'm sorry by O'Hora Mary

Author:O'Hora, Mary
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2022-09-07T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 14

I’ve started to clean out my room. The idea of you having to sift through my things, to figure out what to do with it all is too much to bear. My intent is to purge now, so it will be less for you to go through later. When you look in my closet. You’ll see that I’ve already organized things into different boxes. Some things are for the memory box for Hannah and Ben. Some things for you, for Dad. And the rest can just go to goodwill. You don’t need to hold reminders around this house of me. The point of me not being here anymore is not for you to live in memories. To live with ghosts surrounding you. But for you to enjoy the opportunity to be free. Please make sure that you follow through with my instructions for my belongings.

I’ve been texting Hannah. I’m arranging to go visit her next week. This will allow you to have another few days for yourself. Getting used to having more free time without me around. An opportunity to continue your self-care. Enjoying living in the moment. Not having to filter your feelings or hide your happiness.

Also, I know when I’m gone. Hannah will blame herself. She’ll think she should have noticed something, or should have spent more time with me. Mom, don’t let her do that to herself. In the same way that you’re not to blame. Neither is Hannah nor Ben, and I don’t want them thinking there’s something they could have done. The whole point of me writing and documenting this journey is to prove there isn’t anything anyone can do. I’ve tried and failed and tried again. It’s pointless.

This week, I intend to keep up with my workout façade, and making sure this room is ready for my departure. I hope reading all of this does not make you reflect on these past days too intently. With this new information, looking to lay blame. Wondering if you should have noticed something. Accepting a responsibility which is not yours. Wishing for change. Try to remind yourself that even though all this information is new to you, it’s been this way for me my whole life. If there was a way to change, if I was supposed to have found a reason to live, I would have found it by now. Living for other people, living to give other people feelings could never be enough for me. My aim is that you truly understand that. To understand it enough that you could defend it to others, to yourself.

I always thought, or I guess hoped. as I got older, that whatever is wrong with me, would fade. Like I would grow out of it, the same way I did with wetting the bed. But I didn’t. I just grew into my headspace even further. Analyzing my thoughts. Watching and learning. Surveying but not taking part.

You know, it’s like a movie. I’m some side small character. That doesn’t really have a point in the movie, but is always there.

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